Below is a email i sent to friend. I've been kinda under wraps for a long time just trying to work through things. This doesn't fully explain everything but it gives a good look at what iv'e been thinking about and working through. I'm currently back in San Diego area looking for work and planning on staying around here for a little. So if you're in the neighborhood, look me up!
Hey Guy,
I know you sent me this email a long time ago. I never forgot about it. I still have a few others i need to get back to as well. I don't know how to say explain where i am in my spiritual life right now. So i may stubble around here a little. I'll start with this though.
My view of life is changing. The view i had of God in this world and in my life was rigged towards me and others yet brittle and unable to be true because it came against real life. I was no longer surrounded by the encouragement and love of people of the same faith. I no longer had the financial support that i found safety in. I was depressed, alone, angry and confused because i had failed in my "charge from God" and at a loss for words as to what I should do now. My view of God was that of a magic man who would provide for my holy endeavors because i "loved and served" Him so well. My self righteousness and pride are astounding, and now i see it. I would like to say i see it completely but probably not. I put on a facade of "maturity and holiness" becoming extremely legalistic. I tried to "fully dedicate" myself to Gods work and become his Holy helper on earth saving the sinners from hell and making what was wrong right. Maybe I can describe it as “Beginning to Deitize myself”. I was living by Law believing my commitment to god and seeking his will would only lead to my success and power now on earth. I believed i was living by the righteousness of Jesus. But I haven’t. Staying with my friends in Ohio helped me remember the childish fun in life and not to take things to seriously, because none of us are perfect and we all have, fears, insecurities and sin. Even the pretty people.
I feel like i over dramatized my events. After looking at the circumstances of Paul, Jesus, Joseph and basically all of the characters of faith and true righteousness my circumstances were Childs play in comparison, even in comparison to many others around me. But it still deeply effected my emotional and mental state. They were “the hair that broke the camels back” of my crooked religion i called Christianity.
As of now I’m in rebuild mode I guess. I wrestled so damn long with wanting to find something tangible to hold on to in Christianity. I wanted to find something that I could not doubt. I wanted to be able to answer all the questions people have about the brutality of God in the Old Testament. I want to be able to bring fact to the conversation of the miraculous life of Jesus. But in the end all I found was the necessity of faith. I’ve been reading a lot lately, The bible a little, but more of things like C.S Lewis, Mere Christianity, Brian McLaren, Everything Must Change, and also a book on Martin Luther’s journey in life. It’s been encouraging knowing that my experience isn’t the only one of its kind. I’ve had to let go of the idea that the systems of this world (financial success, social success, image, health, beauty, strength, power) reflect the love, provision, security, power, and presence of or person of Jesus; at least not in every case. But I wrestle with this everyday, even right now.
I could keep writing but I think I’ve summed everything up well enough. I’m back in San Diego and staying around here for a year I think. Unless God has something else in mind. So hopefully I can make a trip up to Prescott soonish. Thanks for the prayers, please don’t stop either.
Sean
