I Doubt....

hey everyone,

So before i get into the meat of this post i want to do a quick to the point update of things happening with me. Then if you want to keep reading about My "mein kanpf" (My Struggle), my questions and so forth, then please do keep reading.

OOOOOK. SO I'm still in LA right now. My roommates and I are getting much closer to finishing Ryans feature film "Turning Point", you can check out the films blog at (www.turningpointthemovie.blogspot.com)

Filming has slowed down due to scheduling issues with all the actors and crew but the main issue has been the weather. It's caused a bit of a hindrance.

MOVING FOR THE WINTER

Coming November 12th ill be catching a flight to the beautiful winter and cold of Toledo Ohio! I'll be spending the winter with my good friends Steve and Lia Risk for a few months. The main reasons for me going are to A) Work and get out of debt and 2) Spend time away from LA life and really put an effort into getting peace of mind on so many questions i have about Life's events over the last 2 years.

If all works out as hoped I'll be working with my friend Steve as his assistant, maintaining all the equipment at a steel factory.

Until i leave I'll be helping the church I attend, Reality LA, create a series of short interviews for their website. I'll also be helping a friend shoot his comedy web series called "Bro's".

Well, that's it as far as doing things goes. Thank you for checking in. If you want to keep reading thanks and i look forward to any conversation that comes from my questions.


"My Struggle"

Before i get into this. I realize a lot of my readers may be people i met through ministry with YWAM and some people are ones i once mentored and ministered to on a very close bases. The sharing of my struggles isn't intended to be a "seed of doubt" to those of you who pursue a Christian life. My intention is to open conversation, between all beliefs, that will hopefully help me in my struggle, but also provoke deep thought in people.

If you're a person of faith and my questions and doubts are painful for you to read, then pray for me and know i don't enjoy these questions but feel a need to engage them. And if you aren't a person of faith then please know that i ask these questions simply to enter the never ending conversation of "God or No God". And I hope to find peace and solidification, or assurance, of my beliefs through this.


The only way i can think of opening this is by stating the over arching theme.

I DOUBT..

When an individual goes through a traumatic or difficult event, it's in those times that their beliefs are put to the test. And this is my Event, testing my beliefs to the core.

Coming out of a consuming cloud of Christian community into loneliness and solitude i watched myself slowly despair of the hopes i had. The plans i had hoped in all slowly failed. So this leads me to ask, "did i really hear God?" I don't think this is a illogical question, as long as you don't already hold the notion that belief in "God" in of itself is Illogical. But in that case asking the question "did i really hear God?" would be the first time i had acted in a logical manner.

Hearing God is such a cryptic task. In westernized countries, when was the last time you heard of a crowd hearing the thundering voice of God from heaven? When you ask a person of faith "how did you hear the voice of God, and how do you know it was God?" the usual answer is something along the lines of, "i just know" or "i felt it was God speaking".

I don't have any issue with these answers. I've heard and seen a lot of people doing great things through leading's of such. Even personally i can say i had "God lead me through a feeling" and in one case It may had led to an individual not committing suicide. So you may be wondering why i am wrestling with this then? I suppose its a human condition, to disregard the past and focus on the present of future. Here i am today after following the same beliefs for years and "gut feelings", some times spending weeks with out food and hours daily in prayer, seeking guidance from God. But Where is He now? I followed the rules of Christianity, I gave my time to people and helped others and gave so much of my resources to helping people too. But still i ended up in a hurting state.

I suppose if you look at this through the lens of Jesus' life you can say, "well Jesus was the son of God, perfect in every way 'following the rules of Christianity'(or creating them) and still he had no home, no food at times, and then he was hated and murdered." But here is the difference, Jesus was totally unwavering in his conviction that he was the Son of God and he anticipated his forsaking of home, friend and death. Not only was Jesus mentally prepared for his life but he also did miraculous things daily.

What better way to to be encouraged daily then to say "Get up, take your mat and walk!" and see crippled people totally restored. I read a book lately that made the conclusion that God is and has moved from His magnificent and powerful public acts to a more inner and intimate way of revealing himself to people. The authors explanation for this theory was that he saw the character person of God getting frustrated with his people, the Israelite's, and fed up with their constant disregard of his leading and desires for Humanity. So God changed his tactics. And now here, 2000 or so years later we are people of "Spiritual Worship" (john 4). But that leads to ask, are the times of God's miraculous and unquestionable ways over with? is God silent? Has he left his works to the faithful followers of his teachings? Or the question that struck me most devastatingly while reading this book, "what if God never existed in the first place, and the bible was the greatest myth ever told?" Because if i can't hear, see, smell, touch, God then maybe He isn't real?


I'm going to stop here for time sake and soaking sake for the readers. Ill pick up again next week.

Like i said i welcome any conversation and thoughts or comments to these.

Love you all
Sean