The timing of an unmeasurable God is something to consider in all events. The God of the bible has been studied and contemplated for a long, long time. But still no one can put a finger on what he will do or when He will do it. I guess that's the adventure ahead of those who in faith follow after what they interpret as the leading of the Holy Spirit. It's a trek that can destroy and devastate you or destroy and recreate you.

For that last 18 months i followed after what i interpreted as the leading of the Holy Spirit, as the leading of Gods divine plan for my life. And in this pursuit i have failed many times as a "Godly individual, loving individual, patient, kind, honest, and steadfast individual. I've talked with many close friends and family about my feelings and heartache, feelings of abandonment, confusion, anger, and anxiety. It would seem that all i cared for or wanted has deflated, just like my blow up mattress with its new tinny whole. But i fear that just like that tinny whole in my air mattress, these months have deflated me and left me on the floor. My personal faith has become staggeringly questionable, not because of a blatant sinful lifestyle. But through the vastness of many questions rooted from a lack of understanding of God, my situation and the situation of the world. I suppose those three topics have been circling the minds of mankind since the beginning of humanity, but the need to wrestle with those questions is of no lesser value because of that.

I can feel my heart growing hardened to the "things of God". Things like prayer and worship, loving others and having compassion are seemingly farther away than ever. But in this deep wrestling match I've seen myself turn ever more passionately to the scriptures. I'm looking into them like a prosecuting lawyer, looking for the true nature of this "God" and his supposed Son for good or for worse. I hate the attitude of my approach, The words, "but the proud will be turned away" resonate in my ears. The deep desire to know this Gods character is what drives me in my search.

Being so encapsulated in the Church for most of my life there are things that i know i have adopted as biblical theology that are false. I'm afraid this is the case for much of the western church that I've come accustom too. So I'm starting from "Ground Zero" and rebuilding by reading through the whole bible and staring intensively at how God reacts to the Israelites and how thy act towards Him and How he wants them to act towards Him and others.

This is most likely a very confusing update for most of you, and a very worrying one as well. you may be thinking "Oh Dear, Sean has lost his faith and become a backslider". And the painful and bleak truth is, Yes, maybe i have. But, BUT! I still have Hope that i will see a brilliant and wonderful God as well as a revolutionary and practical Holy Spirit Led Jesus while searching the scriptures and be recreated.

As much as i fear and slowly approach the questions and life changing choices that possibly lay ahead, I feel that if I'm to become an authentic world changing Believer i have to venture this road. I've been told by many people who God is. And now i need to discover Him on my own. It's like someones been showing me a picture of this God all my life and and I've never met Him before. I want to be "convinced in my faith, and not just have faith". I know many people who have done wonderful things and miraculous things in the name if Jesus. I can see and feel their authentic passion for those around them. They obtain an incorruptible Love for God and others. I earnestly desire that. And as my world and the things i hoped in crumble around me and i search deep into this dark cave filled with emotions of loneliness and despair i have a hope that i will come out recreated.

So as i journey in the unknown time line of a Unmeasurable God I hope that you'll come with me. I'm sure I'm not the only one wrestling with so many seemingly unanswerable questions. But i hope that through exploring these things I'll get a better idea of who God is and then Truly Grow in Love with Him.
Faith, Hope and Love...Right? even when you think you're blind and deaf.

Much Love
Sean